My first STD was from a foam party
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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