I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
