I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
