I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
