Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
