Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
