Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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