seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just tell him i said nine months
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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