I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
