He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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