Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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