you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
