Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
