We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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