he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
