Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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