I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
