Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
