I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
