allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
