yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
