there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize