I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
