Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
