i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
