he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
sex in a hospital.. check
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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