You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
