I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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