They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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