Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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