There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
