mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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