I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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