How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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