I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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