I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
