bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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