I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
