so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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