I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
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Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
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I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I love you.
Bad choice
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