just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
