We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
