I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
