So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
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I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
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I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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