And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
