Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
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Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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