i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
