Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
