can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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