my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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