so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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