there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And then my night got REAL pukey
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
