last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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