my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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