she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
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He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
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A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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